Dear Eric: My husband (we are both 75) and our son are on the autism spectrum.
Our son works full time and is finishing up his master’s thesis. He lives in a fairly isolated area in another state and has no friends.
We brought him a sofa from IKEA and left it in his house. It needs to be assembled, along with installing curtain rods and hanging the curtains. Our son is unlikely to be able to help with curtain installation though he’s OK with the furniture. I know my husband needs help doing this work but …
My husband met a woman at the local big box store and struck up a conversation with her. She’s about our son’s age.
My husband asked her (without discussing it with me first) whether she would be willing to go out with him to our son’s house (7- to 8-hour drive), stay at the house for three days, help my husband put the furniture together and meet our son. She is currently single. All without telling our son of his secret matchmaking plans.
I am appalled for all sorts of reasons, but my husband is saying I’m not being open-minded.
What do you think?
– Worried Wife and Mother
Dear Wife and Mother: The support you and your husband are providing your son is very kind. However, he might see this as an intrusion or an overstep, rather than a kind gesture.
If he needs help, companies like IKEA partner with services like TaskRabbit to connect consumers to skilled laborers who are vetted and insured by the company. This last part is really crucial.
If your husband were to get hurt, or if this person from the big box store were to steal or break something, your son would have no recourse. This could cost him a lot of money. Bringing a stranger to your son’s house for multiple days puts everyone in a precarious position and likely could upset your son.
Ask your son what support he needs, listen to what he says, and give him the space to make the home he wants. It’s an important part of adulthood.
Now, as to the matchmaking? Absolutely not. If your son is too busy to put together furniture, he’s certainly too busy to embark on a long-distance relationship with a stranger.
Again, I see the loving desire behind the gesture, but I’m afraid your husband is putting the cart before the horse.
Ask your son if he wants companionship. And, if he says he does, talk to him about how he wants to find it. This will give you so much more information about how to help.
There may be services or groups in his area that can help with the isolation in a safe and supportive way that meets him where he is. But this woman does not seem to be it.
I’m concerned about the judgment of someone who would agree to go on this errand. Her presence could be very disruptive. Why risk it?
You’ve already done enough by buying the furniture. The next thing to do is to communicate and to listen.
Dear Eric: My godson/nephew is getting married in another state in a few months. I have been invited and have been looking forward to going.
However, as it draws closer, I am not sure I can afford an airplane ticket and the cost of the hotel and other festivities.
I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I really don’t have the money to attend. How do I gracefully decline without hurting anyone’s feelings?
I also told my brother and his wife that I would split a hotel room with them. I don’t want to make them mad, but I seriously don’t want to go nor have the money to go. How do I handle this?
– Torn Aunt
Dear Aunt: When people ask relatives to travel for a wedding, they should – and usually do – recognize that with that ask comes a greater financial burden than a local wedding. Knowing that, they’re also inclined to think about RSVPs differently.
So, while your nephew will miss having you at the wedding, he may not be as likely to have hurt feelings as you think he is. Tell him the truth – you have really been looking forward to going but you can’t afford it.
And tell your brother and his wife the same thing. Any one of them may have a solution that you don’t know about or haven’t thought of. And none of them is likely to take it personally.
What we spend money on reflects what we value, but it’s not the only way we communicate what’s important to us. Telling your nephew and brother early enough so that they have time to make other plans is also an act of love.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.